How to Make a Princess Cry

 

    “You messed with the wrong princess, y’know.”

    Ugh, here we go again…

    “Yes, I know, you’ve only mentioned that about a thousand times, brat.” I was trying so hard to stay patient with this little twerp now perched on a stump in the middle of the woods.

    But it was getting really difficult.

    “My big brother’s going to come and get me, and then you’ll pay!” I mean, really did her tiny voice have to be so grating?

    “Yes, yes, I think you’ve brought that up a few thousand times as well.” I couldn’t help but cast a searing glance in her direction. Too bad it missed the mark. She was too busy keeping up her hoity-toity posture: nose upturned, curls bouncing in all the right places, eyelids firmly closed in regal dignity. For all her still-chubby eight-year-old awkwardness, she did look rather like a strong little princess. Cocky, if nothing else, anyway.

    “You know, you’ll make a great ruler one day, if you only do something about that annoying voice of yours. Nobody wants to listen to a whiner-baby.”

    A humph in answer.

    I rolled my eyes and snorted, barely suppressing a curl of smoke beginning to trickle out of my nostrils. I looked around at all the trees surrounding us. Why did they have to all look the same?

    “...I’m not a whiner-baby.” I knew it wouldn’t be long before she just had to defend herself. “Besides, I’m not the one who got us lost!”

    My blood was beginning to boil a little now, the smoke emanating from my nostrils thickening.

    “We’re not lost,” I muttered. “We’re just…”

    “Turned around?” the princess replied snarkily. “Same difference, pea-brain!”

    It had been two hours since I made off with her. Or was it closer to three, now? I couldn’t be sure anymore. And though I didn’t want to admit it, yes, we were a little lost. Imagine that...a dragon! Getting lost!

    I’d have flown up to get my bearings a while ago, but I was afraid she’d run away. Any other dragon would have just scooped her up and flown off with her, but I had never been the largest or strongest. It had earned me many a nickname within the dragon community: things like “small-fry” and “pixie-scales.” Nothing ever too mean-spirited. But they still reminded me how very incapable I was as a dragon.

I supposed I could have given up and just dumped her on the side of the road ages ago, except I needed her to finish my meal. Had I known she was going to be this obnoxious, I’d have picked a different princess.

Suddenly, there was a rustling in the bushes. At first I went on high alert, but fatigue and exasperation were making it rather hard to care for long. From the underbrush stumbled forth the most pitiful excuse for a young prince I’d ever seen. I mean, honestly! Were they scraping from the bottom of the barrel these days or what?

    “Hark, fierce Dragon!” He squeaked. He couldn’t have been much older than twelve or thirteen. “That’s my sister you have in your clutches! Release her or suffer the consequences!”

    “See, Dragon!? I told you he’d come to rescue me! You’ve done it now!” the loudmouth behind me cried in triumph.

    At this point, I was beginning to reconsider the amount of effort this meal was worth.

    The prince awkwardly drew a sword that was about three sizes too big for him and charged across the small space, letting loose what I supposed was meant to be a war cry. I didn’t bother moving. Dragon magic comes in handy often, especially when you need to call on an anti-sword spell in a jiffy. The spell deflected the hand-me-down toothpick no problem. It clanged harmlessly against my thick scales, and the force threw the little twig off his feet. He landed unceremoniously on his butt, a shocked expression plastered on his face.

    “B-but! What?!” His bewilderment almost made me laugh. “My father said…”

    “What? That you would have ‘no chance of losing if you carried this sword?’” I tossed over my shoulder as I turned to join my little curly-haired tyrant at her stump. “If I had a sapphire ring for every time I’ve heard that one!”

    The boy’s shock turned to anger.

    “My father said -”

    “Your father is just like all the other kings out there. And how foolish it was of him to send such a scrawny little thing after his beloved daughter. I could just eat you both. But I’m not hungry for princes and princesses. Plus you’re hardly a mouthful, anyway.” The anger turned to hurt, and I started to feel just a little bad. “Look, kid, I’m sorry you got mixed up in this. It’s not your fault. You’re doing everything you’re supposed to do, and you’re trying your best. But really...everything’s fine. I was only going to borrow her for a minute. Then I was going to bring her right back.”

This brought a look of surprise to both of their faces.

    The prince wiped his nose on the back of his hand as he blinked away the tears that were brimming at his eyes. He stood up and brushed himself off, already looking a little more like a prince ought to.

    “What do you need my sister for, if you’re not going to eat her?” He asked, the curiosity thinly veiled by his mock bravado.

    I searched carefully for words. The truth was, I only needed a couple of her tears. Then my recipe would be complete, and the enchanted quiche I’d started this morning would finally be ready to hit the open flame. I’d even considered giving up altogether and calling it a day, or trying to find a substitute ingredient. But the problem with that was you never knew with unfinished or altered enchanted foods - they could be unpredictable. Best to keep going until you’ve put the very last garnish on. Otherwise you might get turned into something dumb, like a goat, or a bush.

    All in all, the dish had proven to be more work than I’d wanted to put into it. But I had to finish what I’d started, and dang it, I just wanted my quiche!

If I told this little kid my real motives in stealing his annoying sister, then it would be my turn to be the wimp! After all, what dragon makes a quiche for supper, enchanted or not? My tongue burned with embarrassment, tiny flames beginning to dance in the back of my throat, and I stuttered a little, trying to come up with a slightly more dignified excuse. The prince’s expression turned into one of suspicion.

    “You’re not working with the neighboring kingdom, are you? She’s a bit young for someone else to come rescue and marry her, don’t you think?”

    “Blech! No!” I retorted. “I don’t do those kinds of dealings. Leave the human politics to the humans, I always say.”

    “Then why on earth would you want to kidnap my sister?” the boy pressed, any fear or discomfort he might have started with long gone.

    I thought a moment. I really didn’t want to tell the truth. They say dragons are a proud race. And it’s true. But today, I also kind of just wanted to go home and finish making dinner.

    “...Alright, kid. I just needed a couple of your snot-nosed little sister’s tears for...something I was making at home.” There. Middle ground. That way I didn’t sour my fierce reputation too badly. “I couldn’t very well just waltz in and ask her to cry - I figured your dad might not take kindly to that - so I thought I’d just kidnap her. Most princesses start sobbing hysterically by the time we leave their castles, but this one...she’s as stubborn as my old uncle Reuben! Not even a sniffle! You’ve got one tough sister.”

    “Yeah, you better believe it!” The prince grinned a little, casting a sidelong glance at the princess who at this resumed humphing away on her makeshift throne.

    “I don’t cry,” she said matter-of-factly as she tossed a perfectly springy lock of curls over her shoulder.

    “But you sure do whine a lot!” I shot back. The prince giggled under his breath. I was beginning to like him a little. Or at least a little more than his sister.

    “But now you have to tell us what you’re using her tears for!” he pressed.

    “Yeah! If I am going to cry, it had better be for something good!”

    At this point, what was I to do? I had two defiant pairs of eyes looking expectantly up at me. I sighed and resigned myself to utter humiliation.

“My...magic quiche...I was in the middle of making dinner, and I found I’d clean run out of princess tears. I would have gone without, but it’s never a good idea to change the recipe of an enchanted dish, you know. The last thing I wanted was to take a bite and get turned into a bar stool!”

    The prince chuckled and pinched the bridge of his nose, I’m guessing a habit of his. The princess tried for a moment to remain stoic, but she couldn’t keep from letting out a stifled giggle. That giggle turned into more giggles. And then they turned into full on snorts. Soon, the princess was holding her sides and laughing what would have been one of the most obnoxious laughs I’d ever heard if it hadn’t been so cute on her. For the first time since I’d picked her up and carried her away this morning, she didn’t look like she’d just tasted a lemon. The stubborn frown had cracked into a wide grin, and instead of her eyes closed in attitude, they were squeezed shut, tears streaming from them as she fought to get a hold of herself.

    The prince stopped laughing suddenly and pointed at his sister, looking at me urgently.

    “Dragon! Look! She’s laughing so hard she’s crying! Quick! Now’s your chance!”

    Tears. That’s right! That’s what I had come for! I produced an empty vial from a leather purse around my neck and held it up to the princess’s red face. A few tears rolled down into the tube, and I quickly retreated before she tried to swat it away. Putting a cork on my trophy, I returned it to the pouch, and beamed at the prince. The princess finally began to calm down.

    “A dragon...making...a quiche!” She marveled between gasps for air, wiping the last of her tears from her eyes.

    “I know, I know,” I griped. “‘Who’s ever heard of such a thing?’”

    “No, no, it’s wonderful!” The princess added. “Had I known that’s all you wanted me for, I’d have gladly obliged! Although I don’t know if I’d have been able to give you any tears if you’d simply told me. You have to admit, under the circumstances, it’s all pretty funny!” She rushed, on the verge of cracking up again.

    I chuckled a little. Thinking about it, it was kind of absurd. Why kidnap a whole princess when all you needed were some of her tears? While the princess calmed down again, the prince hefted his sword and replaced it in its sheath.

    “Well,” he said. “I guess I’d better get my sister home, then...it was nice meeting you, Dragon.”

    I couldn’t suppress the toothy grin that spread across my face. These two weren’t so bad after all.

    “Yes, I suppose I should let you go. Do you know the way back to your castle? I’m afraid your sister and I had to get lost to get here.” I said. At this the princess threatened to break into another fit of giggles.

    “I think so,” was the reply. “I left a trail.”

    Good boy.

    “Alright, take care of your sister, then.” They both waved and turned to leave. A sudden thought occurred to me. “Oh! And kid? Start with a smaller sword. You’ll be much more successful if you can actually wield your weapon properly, you know.” I added with a wink. The boy smiled back, and in an instant the two had disappeared.

    Well, I couldn’t see them anyway. They weren’t exactly light on their feet.

    Once the crashing noises of their trek faded away, I smiled again, and leaped up into the air to get my own bearings, letting my growling stomach guide me home.